Samantha Case

My Long Ramblings of Something That’s Been on My Mind a While

As I sat there listening to one of my past close friends, Micah, singing a touching song praising God, I envisioned who I was in that building not too long ago. I saw myself on that stage singing next to him, the soft acoustic guitar blending with our voices to express our love for our God. I saw myself closing my eyes, longing to feel His presence and feel any level of confirmation of His existence. 

Sometimes I did feel that powerful air of existence. At times it was so overwhelming that I cried; other times I cried because I couldn’t sense it, and it was especially frustrating when I resorted to a quiet, secluded place, reaching for comfort in Him and couldn’t find it. 

With my never-ending curiosity and desire to seek more, I have grown increasingly unsatisfied in my walk with God when the questions I’ve proposed to those on the same journey appeared too complex and uncomfortable to answer. I’m able to understand that some questions - if sought for too long and too in depth - can shake one’s faith to the point where fear seeps through, and that because of this several people avoid those questions; I, however, have never been able to walk away from settling an idea that uncomfortably challenges me. Because of this, unsurprisingly, my faith has been shaken to the point that returning to my original beliefs would force me to rebuild my foundation.

About a few months ago I stopped attending the church my beliefs were built within; the church I established wonderful relationships in, cried in, got angry in, laughed in, and was baptized in. Other than today, the last time I attended Highland was a fairly emotional experience for me. As we began worshipping (which I was very use to) I observed the people around me: their posture, their emotion, and their passion shining through their complexion. Then I began visioning other people with the same emotion and passion escaping their faces, as if it had been trapped in their bodies for too long a time and was exceptionally relieved to escape. I didn’t know these people, and they were in a different setting. They were worshipping, but it was to a different God. It was then I grew overwhelmed and uncomfortable - I didn’t want to be there. As I became more shaken I got up and left. In that moment I decided that church - any church - was not where I wanted to be for a while.

Over the past couple months I’ve placed energy into reading several different books about religion and the meaning of life, making it a point to select books that contradict each other and don’t support one another’s beliefs, even slightly. I’m currently pursuing a journey of seeking what I believe on a personal level. We build our beliefs according to what we’re exposed to, who we place our trust in, and the situations we encounter, but inevitably at some point we have to compile a set of our own beliefs and opinions. No two people’s beliefs have been nor ever will be identical. Although some are similar, they’re never the exact same. We have to make our own opinions according to our own life experiences. That’s what makes life extraordinarily beautiful.

For some time now I have placed my faith in something that I think will always remain the foundation of all my beliefs. I truly believe that love is the most important thing in life we could ever provide or receive. No matter what I do in life, who I encounter, and the experiences I undergo, I hope my underlying goal, at all times, will be to demonstrate and execute love - freely. I never want to rob someone or something from love because I feel it, he, or she doesn’t deserve it.

I struggle with Christianity at times because I have seen that love is absent in so many follower’s lives. It’s almost like it’s a game to some: How effectively can I place and advance in this game I call My Walk With God? Too easily I see an absence of love in the fundamental beliefs of Christianity as well. One of the most popular questions has kept several from devoting their lives to the Christian God: How can a Loving God send His people to hell? I’ve heard this answer explained in such a way that invokes that this concept does in fact demonstrate love (God lovingly sends those to hell who choose that for themselves; after all, if God wasn’t loving He wouldn’t provide free will), but I still can’t help but conclude that any loving Higher being would know that if presented with the undeniable truth that God existed and loved His people, no individual would knowingly choose for himself to be eternally separated from this power.

The unavoidable “they and us” perspective of a Christian is also uncomfortable for me. As the Dalai Lama states, every human being on earth has the same underlying goal in common: to be happy and to avoid suffering. Even when I was a devoted Christian I recognized that some people didn’t devote their lives to this belief system because they had been dealt different variables in their lives that had provided a disadvantage for them in accepting the same system of beliefs. For example, someone born and raised in India is not easily going to follow Christianity because he/she has been exposed primarily to a Hindu culture. I think it’s very saddening to think these disadvantages and cultural diversities creates a “they and us” environment where one can’t help (because of the beliefs they’ve devoted their life to) but view another who has differing beliefs and inevitably conclude that if that person isn’t somehow converted, he/she will be eternally separated from what he/she believes to be the One True Religion. Aghhh that just doesn’t settle with me. I can’t accept it; the only way I could believe in this idea is if I kept myself from the truth that love is the overwhelming basis of every form of life and that this concept will never be deceived - it can’t be, because love is what makes you, you and me, me. 

I absolutely believe in a Higher power. It’s difficult for me to deny that there’s an existence of something astronomically complex for us to ever comprehend. All I need to do is look around me and within myself and this is confirmed. But I don’t think this Higher power is limited in any way. I think it exists within me and around me as much as it exists within and around you, the hooker on the street, the criminals in prison, the newborns in the hospital, the elderly in their homes. Nothing, I believe, will ever limit this power. Nothing nor anybody will ever miss its overwhelming love and compassion. This universe is nothing without love and compassion; this universe is nothing without a higher power; you and I, therefore, would be nothing without the love and compassion of a Higher power.

I want to live lovingly and compassionately. I want to see that what’s inside of you is what’s inside of me.

Always a Moment to be Grateful

Lately I’ve been thinking about how I’ve not yet encountered one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome in life: death. A keen realization that I haven’t been exposed to losing someone I love presented itself to me. This led to an even more frightful realization: I’m vulnerable of losing a loved one any moment, literally. I will never know when someone will be taken from my life until it happens. As depressing of a thought this is, I’m not filled with sadness when pondering; it’s an inevitable part of life that I may only accept. I’d be lying to myself if I claimed I’m not afraid of experiencing the feeling of losing someone. I understand it’s going to be very heartbreaking; however, this encourages me to be grateful for every single person I’ve crossed paths with in life. I’ve learned something from each person I’ve exchanged words with; beautiful, natural connections have formed and are to be formed between every person I have or may encounter during my journey. I can’t control when these connections will die, but I have the decision to be grateful everyday for those in my life, the relationships I share with each one, and the wonderful lessons I can learn from each person. There’s impending loss and sorrow within my life, but there’s no level of anguish that can’t be overcome with gratitude and the beauty of bliss.

Leave Something Behind.

When she saw us she began to cry, and she hurried toward us like we were there to rescue her from a foreign, frightening world. As we visited with her she spoke sentences that didn’t link to the other, didn’t make sense. As I looked at this old woman – wrinkles creased along her cheeks, beneath her eyes, and along her forehead – I thought how sad it was, this disease eating her away from inside, stealing away her memories and knowledge like a thief. Her lips spoke yet she didn’t. Her eyes expressed emotion yet her mind was lost. It was Alzheimer’s at its best. It was as though she was alive but not alive at all. And I thought, this is a piece of her journey. Just like the other elders in that room that were alive but not really at all. They were all on a journey, or rather reaching the end. But they were all once mentally alive, perhaps even vibrantly. They all began a journey and were still on it. Just like all of us.

When I see my grandmother in the Alzheimer’s home I find it interesting that this woman doesn’t remember her journey. Her memory has been eaten away, and when she looks in the mirror she sees those many years documented on her skin, yet she doesn’t remember how they arrived there. What’s the point of a journey? Especially if those many years are spent building oneself only to fall victim to an ugly disease that steals it away. But there is one thing Alzheimer’s nor death can ever take from a person’s journey: the footprints left along the lives of others and the way someone’s life is touched by the love, care, and insight of something more by another.  The unseen beauties in life can never be erased because after all, those are the best things life has to offer. Eventually we all come to the end of our journey, often times hunched over, walking slowly, or wheeling ourselves along in a wheelchair, but it doesn’t matter because what we leave behind doesn’t follow us. It’s its own story; the only one we have that doesn’t have an ending.